The best Super Bowl commercials understand the basics.

If you don't have an attention-grabbing celebrity, you're going to need a truly absurd premise or legitimately funny writing. Nail one of those aspects, and you'll get the attention you want. Get two of those three, and you're in the running for No. 1 on our list.

There are no points awarded for sincerity or earnestness. Commercials are designed to raise brand awareness and sell products. Stars, silliness and humor do that best. Seriousness is the surest way to get yourself removed from consideration for a top spot in our rankings.

Let's see which Super Bowl LIX commercials understood the assignment best.

15. First Delivery

Thirty-second ads went for upwards of $8 million this year, so you've got to respect the commitment from Budweiser, which devoted a 90-second spot to a young Clydesdale proving his delivery-horse worth by rolling a fallen keg halfway across the country.

The colt is the star here, completing a journey that would have made Sassy, Chance and Shadow (Homeward Bound is an American classic; look it up) proud. He also proved that mustachioed rancher/Budweiser employee/stage-coach driver who told him he was too young to join up with the adult Clydesdales wrong.

But can we talk about how impractical horse-drawn transportation is? How is Budweiser still in business? Do they know about delivery trucks? Coors Light has a train with the technology to chill everything within a square mile and start parties wherever it arrives.

Get with the times already.

14. The Ultra Hustle

Willem DaFoe's menacing seriousness is used to good effect here, and Catherine O'Hara is one of those rare comedic presences who's funny when she's doing absolutely nothing. If anything, she needed more lines.

Seeing the duo wrecking all comers in a pickleball hustle works well enough, but you'd think that if they were actually this good at the sport, they'd just win enough to earn some money and buy all those Michelob Ultras they seem to want so badly.

Classic overthinking.

13. Hollywood Magic

Channing Tatum is right: The most important thing is eye contact.

It's hard to understand how the members of Wrexham FC hold it together while Tatum goes full Magic Mike while staring deeply into their souls, but they pull it off.

Paul Mullen is least impressed and, therefore, funniest.

12. Ray-Ban & Meta

It wouldn't be a proper Super Bowl without an ad featuring legitimate A-list celebrities. Ray-Ban & Meta ticked that box by splurging on Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth, both bespectacled and perusing an in-home art gallery.

Side note: My wife thinks Liam Hemsworth is the more handsome Hemsworth, which is the wrong opinion to have on the subject. You'd better believe I took this opportunity to note, snidely, that it's interesting Liam didn't get a Super Bowl commercial.

Anyway, Hemsworth (the more handsome one) eats a $6.2 million banana-as-art exhibit, we get some snappy banter between the former Marvel superheroes and everybody learns a little something about glasses that can tell your ears what your eyes are seeing.

It feels like Meta left some money on the table by not letting the Chrises zing each other a little more, but you've got to respect the emphasis on star power.

11. A Smile in the Ritz Salty Club

One of the few ads to include the name of the product in the title, this one gets off to a strong start with a great premise: Ritz crackers are salty and, for that reason, there's a club that celebrates salty people.

This is where Aubrey Plaza and Michael Shannon come in, two reliably angry scowlers. Shannon wins Best Line when he notes people think it's a glitch when he smiles...while pasting on a fake grin that somehow conveys barely contained rage.

It seems like excluding Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street was a missed opportunity.

Bad Bunny shows up, probably for the youth demo, and he doesn't quite get the purpose of the club at first. He redeems himself in the end.

10. On and Letters of the Day

Elmo says the quiet part loud in this spot with Roger Federer, correctly pointing out that the letters on the increasingly popular On running shoes definitely do not look like an "o" and an "n."

Kudos to the brand for confronting an issue that, at least for me, is the first thing I think about when I see those shoes. Elmo telling Federer that he still loves him even though he clearly doesn't know his alphabet yet is a quality zinger that comes from a helpful place.

Sometimes we need compassionate puppets to be our truth-tellers.

9. DunKings

The Coffee Wars are upon us, and Dunkin Donuts fired the first salvo.

Casey Affleck suits up with his brother, Ben Affleck, Bill Belichick, Druski and a deeply method Jeremy Strong at what appears to be some kind of coffee convention. It's actually the Java Jam, which is explained as the "battle of the coffee brand bands."

Anyway, among other things, some green-aproned Starbucks-esque stand-ins get a Bostonian tongue-lashing for hawking artisanal goat's milk. It's aggressive.

The Afflecks bicker about not paying enough for Matt Damon to show up, Jay and Silent Bob are there, and Strong eventually emerges from a vat of coffee beans to deliver a speech as Paul Revere. You have to watch a nearly seven-minute extended cut to get all that, but the short ad isn't without its charms.

8. A Tale as Old as Websites

You probably needed to see The Banshees of Inisherin, which came out in 2022, to fully appreciate Barry Keoghan riding a donkey and chucking laptops through pub windows in old-timey Ireland, but there's still something here for fans of surrealism and absurdity.

It's also fascinating to think about the brainstorming session that started with the question of how to market Squarespace, a company that builds websites, and ended with Keoghan riding a levitating donkey off a cliff.

The extended version features a whole bunch more dialogue spoken in deliberately difficult but undeniably charming 1923 Irish accents. It's longer, stranger and probably even better for it.

7. The Call of the Mustaches

If we were ranking commercials on a "most unhinged" basis, everybody else would be playing for second place against this Pringles ad.

In chronological order, we get Adam Brody noticing a dearth of Pringles at a party, at which point an empty can tells him to blow into it. It's unclear how this will solve the problem, but Brody complies after like a half-second of thought.

This is maybe the seventh-weirdest thing that happens in the next 25 seconds.

The conch-esque sound emitted from the can echoes across the globe and causes various notable mustaches to tear themselves off of various notable faces. Nick Offerman, Andy Reid, James Harden and Mr. Potato Head are all afflicted, and we should note that Harden's reaction seems the most pained and genuine. That's impressive, considering he's "The Beard" and, of the hair on his face, he only cares second-most about his mustache.

To the tune of the 1960s Batman TV show theme song, the mustaches fly toward Brody and the party carrying Pringles cans, crash into a window and slide off screen. Presumably, the mustaches are all dead now.

This sequence of events resulted in no additional Pringles making it to the party.

Lesson: Maybe don't listen to talking chip cans.

6. Kiss from a Lime

Do you get credit for self-awareness if, within the ad itself, you note more than once that what's happening doesn't make sense? These rankings would suggest the answer is yes.

Mountain Dew unseats Pringles for the honor of this year's most bizarre commercial, while also locking down the top spot in any unofficial nightmare-fuel countdown.

Seal is a seal. Get it? And also, he sings about Mountain Dew to the tune of "Kiss from a Rose." Meanwhile, Becky G and a speed-boat driver in a fur coat who kind of looks like a missing Kelce brother highlight how deranged the events they're watching are.

Weirdness for weirdness' sake is a strategy, and it paid off here.

5. Slow Monday

We all know the lethargy of a Monday, particularly the one that comes after a Super Bowl. In the opening moments of this spot, I was really hoping Coors Light would take the firm stance that said Monday should be a national holiday.

It didn't, but sloths are inherently funny, and seeing expressive, human-sized versions of them writing emails, yawning through spin classes and robbing banks at half-speed is a solid comedic premise. Extra points for the double entendre of "Case of the Mondays," playing off Office Space and introducing a literal 12-pack emblazoned with that slogan.

If you didn't chuckle at the sloth reaching up to catch the beer thrown to him several seconds too late, you might not have a great understanding of humor.

4. DoorDash

Score another one for hyper-real absurdity, as Nate Bargatze spends extravagantly because he saved so much money using DashPass for his various orders.

All you need to know is that it starts with Bargatze, holding a golden golf club and wearing a silk robe, sitting on a giant horse (who also has a silk robe) in front of a gaudy mansion as his concerned assistant tells him they need to talk about his finances.

They're obviously fine, as Bargatze explains he's used the $6 savings he recently enjoyed to clone himself. It gets sillier from there, with the best bit being an opera singer he's hired to compliment him doing the opposite by pointing out his "big dumb eyes."

We should credit the subtle dig at the concept of "buy more, save more" here. DoorDash is in on the joke.

3. Big Men on Cul-de-sac

You're going to get people's attention when you cold open on Shane Gillis, wearing jorts and seated in a lawn chair, legitimately cracking up Post Malone (also sporting jorts) by explaining he can't go fishing because he has a colonoscopy tomorrow. This is a beer commercial, by the way.

But the slow claps start when Peyton Manning (yes, jorted as well) unironically proclaims "This cul-de-sac's popping!"

Manning is easily the best athlete-turned-commercial-actor of our generation. He was born to squint off into the middle distance while asking, "How many Bud Lights can you fit in that puppy?" I believe he really wants to know and, more than that, appreciates Gillis' answer of "as many Bud Lights as it takes."

Additional gems include leaf blowers that fire beer cans, reckless picket fence destruction and Gillis explaining, "I spent most of my money on this" as he showcases a smoker that also cuts grass.

I've always wanted to live in a cul-de-sac.

2. David & Dave: The Other David

We can debate the comparative star power of a Hemsworth-Pratt duo versus David Beckham and Matt Damon, but this Stella Artois spot noses ahead on the strength of superior cleverness.

Damon, who isn't Damon but instead Beckham's long-lost twin brother "Dave," lives in America and can punt footballs into the troposphere because: genetics?

Beckham's parents explaining that they called the twin played by Damon "other David" because when there are two Davids, one has to be "other David" is funnier than anything that happens between Pratt and Hemsworth.

Bonus points for the meta (not Meta, to be clear) closing stinger in which Damon tries to grasp how well-known Beckham is by asking if he's "Matt Damon famous," only to learn Beckham is, unfortunately, "Ben Affleck famous."

Affleck out here catching strays.

1. Chazmo Finally Goes Home

If you're not among those who think Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson are funnier than any human beings on the planet, this ad might not be for you.

But I do, which means it's very, very much for me. The moment they showed up on screen in a Totino's Pizza Rolls ad that legitimately feels like it could have appeared in I Think You Should Leave, the race for No. 1 was over.

Lists are subjective. Deal with it.

Plot summary: Chazmo is an alien whom you can learn more about in the extended two-minute version of the commercial. All you really need to know is that he's thankful someone shared pizza rolls with him, and then he gets crushed by the doors of his spaceship, horrifying the kids he befriended while visiting Earth.

Robinson and Richardson take it from there. Ten out of 10. No notes.